1 00:00:02,687 --> 00:00:06,043 2 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,675 3 00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:12,997 4 00:00:13,167 --> 00:00:16,443 5 00:00:16,607 --> 00:00:20,520 6 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,838 7 00:00:24,007 --> 00:00:28,000 8 00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:30,761 9 00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:35,679 Sorry, Mum? 10 00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:37,599 Oh. Right. 11 00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:42,158 She wants to attack all your men in Japan with two dice from Mongolia. 12 00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:46,964 - Where's the Sooty egg cup? - Oh, sorry. 13 00:00:52,607 --> 00:00:56,839 - Double four! - Double four to beat this time, Mum. 14 00:00:57,007 --> 00:01:01,205 Oh, hang on a minute. She's dropped her dice in the Germolene. 15 00:01:04,287 --> 00:01:06,482 Have you got it now? Right. 16 00:01:07,087 --> 00:01:09,396 No, he got a double four. 17 00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:12,240 Yes. Double five. 18 00:01:12,407 --> 00:01:18,437 - What a surprise (!) How very convenient. - What's that supposed to mean? 19 00:01:18,607 --> 00:01:22,919 How do we know what she's doing, sitting with her own board and counters? 20 00:01:23,087 --> 00:01:25,920 This is the way the Third Reich started. 21 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,281 With a Sooty egg cup? 22 00:01:30,087 --> 00:01:35,286 She's conquered more countries since ''The Archers'' finished than Hitler did in a lifetime! 23 00:01:35,447 --> 00:01:37,438 No, it's nothing, Mum. 24 00:01:37,607 --> 00:01:39,723 Just Victor coughing up an Opal Fruit. 25 00:01:41,607 --> 00:01:45,441 - You'd better go in for the kill. - Don't encourage her! 26 00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:49,638 - Awful when someone's a bad loser. - I know. 27 00:01:50,487 --> 00:01:54,082 Who's a bad loser? You wrap up and get on with your knitting! 28 00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:57,158 Right. One army left. 29 00:02:00,847 --> 00:02:02,644 - Five. - Five. 30 00:02:04,287 --> 00:02:05,606 Six. 31 00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:11,478 That's that, then. That's me blasted off the board for the third game running 32 00:02:11,647 --> 00:02:13,797 by the Allied Forces of Minnie Crun! 33 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,559 I don't know why I bother. 34 00:02:15,727 --> 00:02:18,195 It's my turn, Mum. Hang on while I get the... 35 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:22,165 Oh, right. She's just going to the loo now. 36 00:02:24,047 --> 00:02:27,642 - So when's he due to have his leg off? - Friday morning. 37 00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:32,038 All being well. I'll be glad to see the back of it. 38 00:02:32,207 --> 00:02:37,076 - Seven weeks with that monstrosity! - Oh, someone's written something on it. 39 00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:39,556 I can't quite read it. 40 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,922 Nothing of any importance. 41 00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:44,078 ''West Ham Wonkers''? 42 00:02:46,287 --> 00:02:49,279 - What's that in aid of? - I'll just go and get some ice. 43 00:02:49,447 --> 00:02:53,440 That was when he fell asleep in the park last Saturday afternoon. 44 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:57,395 There was an obscene drawing of Salman Rushdie on his shin, 45 00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,956 but it came off with some lemon Pledge. 46 00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:03,845 It's been a real episode, hasn't it? 47 00:03:04,007 --> 00:03:07,522 Ohh! What with one thing and another. 48 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:13,681 How anyone can break their leg buying a shirt in Millets is beyond me in the first place! 49 00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:21,243 But after about the first three weeks, he did just about manage to get used to it. 50 00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:23,967 You know, until the itching started. 51 00:03:25,487 --> 00:03:28,081 Drove him totally mad 52 00:03:28,247 --> 00:03:30,442 for four or five days. 53 00:03:30,607 --> 00:03:34,600 He had fuse wire down it, God knows what! 54 00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:40,285 In the end, it got so bad we had to go back up the hospital to get some expert advice. 55 00:03:40,447 --> 00:03:45,157 - And that's when they found it. - Doctor said it was the rarest thing he'd known, 56 00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:49,557 for someone to have an ants' nest down their plaster cast. 57 00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:55,316 There was no question about it. 58 00:03:55,487 --> 00:03:59,685 You could see them all scuttling in and out of the flies on his underpants. 59 00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:04,281 I just put it down to the hot weather, you know. 60 00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:09,956 Anyway, we put a blob of lotion on the fleshy part of each thigh and that did the trick. 61 00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:13,686 But I tell you, Jean, never again! 62 00:04:13,847 --> 00:04:15,166 Mm. 63 00:04:15,327 --> 00:04:18,717 So, um, you think it's a good moment yet? 64 00:04:18,887 --> 00:04:21,276 Sorry? Oh, yes! 65 00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:25,440 - When he comes in again... Ask him now. - Right. 66 00:04:26,287 --> 00:04:29,120 Sounds as if she's fallen asleep in there again. 67 00:04:29,287 --> 00:04:31,721 Think I'll ring back later. 68 00:04:33,087 --> 00:04:35,078 So, anyhow, Jean, 69 00:04:35,247 --> 00:04:37,238 how's it all shaping up? 70 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:41,798 Have you found anyone yet to play that other part in your Nativity production? 71 00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,878 Not yet, no. 72 00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:47,835 Look at this. Half a bloody rainforest in here! 73 00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:51,682 ''The ideal Christmas gift. 74 00:04:51,847 --> 00:04:56,523 ''This superb reproduction, 200-years-old antique commode.'' 75 00:04:58,087 --> 00:05:01,124 What do they use for toilet paper? The Dead Sea scrolls? 76 00:05:02,287 --> 00:05:07,520 As a matter of fact, we were wondering if you'd be interested, Mr Meldrew. 77 00:05:07,687 --> 00:05:11,885 - Interested in what? - In playing one of the parts for us. 78 00:05:12,047 --> 00:05:16,996 - In this year's Nativity. - Well, it depends what the part is. 79 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:20,125 It's the back half of a cow. 80 00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:26,076 Oh, so it's not just any old part (!) 81 00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:28,636 Oh, no, no, not at all. 82 00:05:28,807 --> 00:05:32,800 As I say, Mr Gosling from the chip shop was originally down for it. 83 00:05:32,967 --> 00:05:36,755 Then he backed out because he was afraid of looking stupid. 84 00:05:36,927 --> 00:05:39,725 And that's when we thought of you. 85 00:05:39,887 --> 00:05:45,200 Especially after last year, when you were so good as the King of the Toadstools. 86 00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,835 I reckon you'd be a natural. 87 00:05:48,007 --> 00:05:52,000 Well, I'm sorry, I'm not spending two hours bending over 88 00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,556 with my head stuck up someone else's... 89 00:05:57,847 --> 00:05:59,724 King of the Toadstools?! 90 00:05:59,887 --> 00:06:03,482 You played that giant toadstool in ''Babes In The Wood''. 91 00:06:03,647 --> 00:06:08,163 Giant toadstool? I never played a giant toadstool. 92 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:12,320 - What was it, then? A giant mushroom? - It wasn't a giant mushroom! 93 00:06:12,487 --> 00:06:17,686 It wasn't any form of champion fungus of any kind. I wasn't in ''Babes In The Wood''. 94 00:06:17,847 --> 00:06:20,645 I didn't even see the bloody thing! 95 00:06:21,887 --> 00:06:24,082 Well, it had your walk. 96 00:06:24,247 --> 00:06:27,637 It's not often you see a toadstool that round-shouldered. 97 00:06:29,287 --> 00:06:31,676 - Are you sure it wasn't you? - Oh! 98 00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:34,441 You might as well save your breath, Jean. 99 00:06:34,607 --> 00:06:39,601 You'll get nothing out of him till after Christmas. It's a waste of time trying. 100 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:44,045 He won't even have a tree in the house this year. Refuses point blank. 101 00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:47,995 Oh, you've got to have a tree in the house, Mr Meldrew. 102 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,964 For Christmas. 103 00:06:50,127 --> 00:06:55,406 What for? So you can tie chocolate rabbits to it and watch them melt under the lights? 104 00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:01,244 So they can drip all over the carpets and dry up like miniature cowpats? 105 00:07:03,687 --> 00:07:07,566 It's not even Christmas any more, it's a four-month trade fair 106 00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:11,723 organised by retailers and advertising agencies. 107 00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:15,482 Yes, what better way to celebrate the birth of Christ 108 00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:19,435 than by filling your intestines up with New Berry Fruits (!) 109 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:24,886 Mm, I rather fancy having every bone in my body crushed to a pulp today. 110 00:07:25,047 --> 00:07:29,359 Perhaps I'll go down WH Smith's and spend five minutes in the book department! 111 00:07:30,287 --> 00:07:33,324 So you...you don't want to, then? 112 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,479 - What? - Play the back half of a cow. 113 00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:41,721 It's only for one night. And you could swish your tail about with a concealed wire. 114 00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:52,046 No! 115 00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:01,442 No. I haven't a clue. I did think he could do with a new watch. 116 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:05,282 The one he's got is always slow, but he seems to like it that way. 117 00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:07,722 He says time goes too quickly as it is. 118 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,196 Well, what did you get him last year? 119 00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:15,837 Oh. Well, no, I wouldn't get him that again. The condition's nearly healed up now. 120 00:08:17,727 --> 00:08:24,075 Well, I don't know. I have been racking my brains for a month and I can't think... 121 00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:26,886 We've ordered a capon this year. 122 00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:29,436 We thought it might not be quite so dry. 123 00:08:30,487 --> 00:08:35,436 If that's Great-Aunt Joyce, tell her on no account do I want three jars of petroleum jelly 124 00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:38,201 wrapped up in the form of a Christmas cracker! 125 00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:42,997 - (DOORBELL) - Yes, dear, and he sends his love. OK. 126 00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,806 I'll speak to you soon. Bye! 127 00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:49,960 Who can that be? The postman's been. You'll have to make a fresh pot. 128 00:08:50,127 --> 00:08:54,723 Haven't they done anything about this pressure yet? Better cancel the plumber. 129 00:08:54,887 --> 00:08:57,765 Get a specialist in geriatric bladder disorders! 130 00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,122 Oh! God Almighty! 131 00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:06,682 That wind's getting up again. 132 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:11,398 They said on the radio we might be in for another hurricane. Who was that? 133 00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:16,277 - Too much to expect the plumber, I suppose. - No...it wasn't a plumber. 134 00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:19,041 I think it was some sort of delivery driver. 135 00:09:19,207 --> 00:09:22,563 I think he must just have rung the bell and then left. 136 00:09:22,727 --> 00:09:25,719 Delivery driver? Delivering what? 137 00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:30,243 Margaret? Delivering what? 138 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,722 Look...I don't want a debate about it. I know what I ordered. 139 00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:40,082 I've got the docket in front of me now. 140 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:46,436 I quite specifically ordered one Excelsior Garden Gnome, catalogue number 263. 141 00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:53,407 Never mind ''must have put it in the wrong column''! Use a bit of common sense! 142 00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:58,766 What could I possibly want with 263 bloody garden gnomes in the first place? 143 00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,885 It's like rush hour in Munchkinland out here! 144 00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,757 Three months I've waited for this order. 145 00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:11,047 I wanted one gnome at the front door and now I've got a bloody population explosion! 146 00:10:12,207 --> 00:10:13,925 Oh! 147 00:10:14,087 --> 00:10:17,238 What?! I don't be... 148 00:10:17,407 --> 00:10:21,002 She says we've got to fill in one of the return order chitties 149 00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,761 and send them back as unsatisfactory goods. 150 00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:28,125 Any of the items that are even slightly damaged, we'll be charged for! 151 00:10:28,287 --> 00:10:29,879 (CRASH) 152 00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:33,881 Victor! That's two blown over already! 153 00:10:34,047 --> 00:10:38,598 If we leave them out here, the whole lot will go for a burton! 154 00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:41,156 (RUMBLE OF THUNDER) 155 00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:19,924 Seems to have died down a bit out there now. 156 00:11:20,087 --> 00:11:23,124 Are the telephone lines still out of action? 157 00:11:23,287 --> 00:11:24,606 Yes. 158 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:29,158 It said on the local news a lot of people have had their electricity cut off. 159 00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,765 Might have to do without all over Christmas. 160 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,521 At least they won't have to watch television. 161 00:11:37,687 --> 00:11:40,281 Sit through all that festive tripe. 162 00:11:41,287 --> 00:11:45,963 Oh! Cilla Black (!) Can you imagine? A fate worse than death! 163 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,520 She's got a very infectious laugh. 164 00:11:49,687 --> 00:11:52,076 So has a hyena with anthrax. 165 00:11:55,687 --> 00:12:00,681 I might try that new video place tomorrow on my way back from the hospital, 166 00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:03,236 see if they've got anything worth... 167 00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:07,276 What the hell are you grinning at? 168 00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:09,881 Will you get away from me? 169 00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:13,642 It's like sleeping in bloody Snow White's cottage! 170 00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:18,321 I had a word with Eileen's husband. 171 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:23,038 For 20 quid he could run them back to the warehouse on his truck on Wednesday. 172 00:12:23,207 --> 00:12:27,200 Oh...! I'll be glad when it's over, I will straight. 173 00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,760 All the miseries in the world seem a hundred times worse at Christmas. 174 00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,122 I suppose it was always the same. 175 00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:38,847 I don't suppose there was ever any magic in it. 176 00:12:39,007 --> 00:12:44,001 Only in old films with Jimmy Stewart. Never in real life. 177 00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:48,957 - What do you want for Christmas? - A set of razor blades to slash my wrists with. 178 00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:53,960 God Almighty, you're in a bright mood all of a sudden (!) 179 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:58,118 If it's that much of an ordeal, you needn't bother. 180 00:12:58,287 --> 00:13:02,678 I told you, don't splash out for me. It won't worry me if I don't get anything. 181 00:13:02,847 --> 00:13:05,236 All right, then. I won't. 182 00:13:06,247 --> 00:13:10,240 You know what we said last year. It's only a ritual. 183 00:13:10,407 --> 00:13:15,435 If we both agree not to buy anything, it'll avoid worries and there's no disappointments. 184 00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:17,598 Fine by me. 185 00:13:21,127 --> 00:13:23,118 Fine, then. 186 00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:32,877 Right. We'll require three pieces of identification, 187 00:13:33,047 --> 00:13:37,643 plus an official document such as a driver's licence with your normal signature. 188 00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:42,085 There's a L60 deposit and the rental charges are from L1 to L2.50 daily. 189 00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:46,638 All tapes are to be returned by 7.30 prompt, after which a further L2 is payable, 190 00:13:46,807 --> 00:13:50,595 plus a 50p surcharge should you forget to rewind the tape. 191 00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:53,156 Right. Here's my birth certificate, 192 00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:56,524 here's a document containing my normal signature, 193 00:13:56,687 --> 00:14:01,283 here's a document containing an abnormal signature, written with a boxing glove, 194 00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:05,440 here's a cheque for the required amount. And here's a pound of my flesh, 195 00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:11,284 which I realise I must forfeit at any time should I happen to talk during the film. 196 00:14:13,047 --> 00:14:16,039 I'll go and put this onto hard disk. 197 00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:47,875 - Your card, then, Mr Meldrew. - Thank you. Can I ask... 198 00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:52,040 do these film categories you have here mean anything at all? 199 00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:56,200 Look at this under Family. ''The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover'' 200 00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:59,245 and ''Confessions Of A Werewolf Prostitute''! 201 00:14:59,407 --> 00:15:02,205 I don't know what sort of family you belong to. 202 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,643 I mean, you've got ''Santa Claus - The Movie'' under Horror. 203 00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:08,401 Fair enough. But under Children's 204 00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:12,355 you've got ''Nightmare On Elm Street III'' and ''The Blob''! 205 00:15:12,527 --> 00:15:15,837 It's how people put them back on the shelves. 206 00:15:16,007 --> 00:15:19,522 I suppose your little kiddies think this is jolly good fun, 207 00:15:19,687 --> 00:15:24,397 watching some decomposing corpse sucking people's blood like a carton of Ribena? 208 00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:28,162 I suppose this is an ideal bedtime story in your house, is it? 209 00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:32,036 Two hours of some bloke with a roasted face going loopy with a chainsaw! 210 00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:36,359 What sort of film exactly were you after? 211 00:15:38,287 --> 00:15:41,199 I don't suppose you've got ''Angels With Dirty Faces''? 212 00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,961 Who's in it? 213 00:15:45,287 --> 00:15:48,085 A little-known actor called James Cagney. 214 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:50,715 He was very big as the back half of a cow. 215 00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:56,519 No? Never mind. Perhaps I'll have Arnold Schwarzenegger in ''Rag, Tag And Blob II'' (!) 216 00:15:56,687 --> 00:16:00,680 Perhaps you can drop me a card when it comes in. Thank you for your help. 217 00:16:00,847 --> 00:16:03,281 Good morning. 218 00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:12,555 - How did it go? All right? - Yes, fine. 219 00:16:12,727 --> 00:16:15,719 This machine goes right down the plaster... 220 00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:20,597 There's still a load of leaves and stuff out the front if you're looking for a job. 221 00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:24,840 - Yes, all right. - (DOORBELL) 222 00:16:36,687 --> 00:16:38,006 Oh. 223 00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,965 Thank you very much, Great-Aunt Joyce (!) 224 00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,356 I wonder what it is. 225 00:16:46,087 --> 00:16:48,476 A bottle of something nice 226 00:16:48,647 --> 00:16:51,605 or five more jars of petroleum jelly. 227 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:03,806 Oh! 228 00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:06,527 Wonders will never cease. 229 00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:09,679 How goes it, Mrs Meldrew? Are you winning? 230 00:17:10,887 --> 00:17:13,082 Oh. Good morning. 231 00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:16,444 We haven't met. Tom Croker. I'm Pippa's father. 232 00:17:16,607 --> 00:17:18,040 Oh. 233 00:17:18,207 --> 00:17:20,402 I've just... Oh! Oh, dear. 234 00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,967 Forgive me. I've got a streamer coming on. 235 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:27,756 Bless you. It sounds as if you ought to get back indoors. 236 00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:32,125 I'd love to. I'm afraid I've just locked myself out of the wretched house. 237 00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:35,643 Oh, no. Is there no one else in? 238 00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:41,200 They've both gone shopping. Patrick very kindly let me come over today to use his computer. 239 00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:45,121 I just popped out the front to the car, the door slammed shut. 240 00:17:45,287 --> 00:17:46,686 Oh, dear. 241 00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:05,522 (MARGARET) Excuse the gnomes! It's a bit of a story. 242 00:18:06,887 --> 00:18:09,276 You're very kind, Mrs Meldrew. 243 00:18:09,447 --> 00:18:11,836 Oh, what have you got here? 244 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:16,956 ''Plain Truth'', ''War Cry'' and four copies of ''Watchtower''. 245 00:18:17,127 --> 00:18:20,517 Is your husband a man of strong religious beliefs? 246 00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:24,680 Well, he strongly believes in castrating Jehovah's Witnesses. 247 00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:30,241 - I don't know if that counts. - Time of year. A lot of it about. 248 00:18:47,687 --> 00:18:49,678 (DOORBELL) 249 00:18:56,487 --> 00:18:59,081 (RINGING CONTINUES) 250 00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:06,960 Good morning to you. You must be Mr Meldrew. Tom Croker. 251 00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:10,321 - Yes? - I am sorry to disturb you. 252 00:19:10,487 --> 00:19:14,082 I won't need to impose upon you too long. It's just that I... 253 00:19:14,247 --> 00:19:16,442 I'm sorry. I'm really not interested. 254 00:19:16,607 --> 00:19:21,397 But I was like you - stranded on the outside without a key. It happens all too often. 255 00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:24,320 Yes (!) How much are the magazines? 256 00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:28,878 - Erm... I beg your pardon? - 30p, is it? To cover the cost of the printing. 257 00:19:29,047 --> 00:19:34,041 Very kind of you to call. Thank you very much. I'll read this later. Happy Christmas to you. 258 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,596 Mr Meldrew, I'm sorry. I ought to explain. 259 00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:39,725 Yes, another time. I'm really very busy. 260 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,606 Thank you very much indeed. Goodbye! 261 00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:48,119 You can never get rid of these ruddy people! 262 00:19:49,127 --> 00:19:52,517 And they always come at the most inconvenient... 263 00:19:59,287 --> 00:20:01,676 What am I doing? 264 00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,555 I should be in the inside, surely. 265 00:20:11,887 --> 00:20:13,764 OK, Victor? 266 00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:22,043 It isn't that Victor doesn't believe in God. 267 00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:26,200 It's just that they haven't been on speaking terms lately. 268 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:29,245 Perhaps you could put in a good word. 269 00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:34,037 That won't be very easy, I'm afraid. You see, Victor may, but I'm afraid I don't. 270 00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:36,880 - Don't what? - Believe in God. 271 00:20:38,087 --> 00:20:40,885 - Sorry? - I don't believe in God. 272 00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:45,643 Of course, I used to. I used to believe in fairies and elves, once upon a time. 273 00:20:46,847 --> 00:20:50,044 I used to believe in the SDP's economic policy. 274 00:20:51,047 --> 00:20:56,883 I'm afraid, this last year, I've had the most terrible crisis of faith. Everything crumbled. 275 00:20:57,047 --> 00:21:01,040 After 40 years ministering, it was most unnerving, I can't tell you. 276 00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:04,802 That is why this will be my last Christmas with the Church. 277 00:21:05,527 --> 00:21:09,884 On January 1st, I'm leaving to go and work in resins. 278 00:21:10,047 --> 00:21:11,719 Resins? 279 00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:17,086 Yes. A rising new company has offered me a position on the board. Very handsome salary. 280 00:21:17,247 --> 00:21:20,364 At my time of life, it was manna from heaven. 281 00:21:21,527 --> 00:21:26,840 Only I... I can remember quite clearly when I first discovered God. 282 00:21:28,807 --> 00:21:31,002 It was September 4th. 283 00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:32,964 1951. 284 00:21:33,127 --> 00:21:35,721 And then I lost him again one day last summer. 285 00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,962 Woke up one morning in July 286 00:21:40,127 --> 00:21:42,083 and he was gone. 287 00:21:42,247 --> 00:21:44,636 You make him sound like a hamster. 288 00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:53,160 It grieves me more than I can say, but I have to go with my conscience. 289 00:21:53,327 --> 00:21:56,125 Faith is absolute or it's nothing at all. 290 00:21:57,127 --> 00:22:00,324 And when I look around and try to explain, 291 00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,355 explain to someone like Mrs Burridge... 292 00:22:05,527 --> 00:22:08,121 She's a young mother, barely 30. 293 00:22:08,287 --> 00:22:10,881 The most devout and reverent of Christians. 294 00:22:11,047 --> 00:22:13,436 Has a little boy aged six. 295 00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:19,926 Last Monday, her husband left the house to fly to Munich on a business trip. 296 00:22:20,927 --> 00:22:23,236 He was going to be away seven days 297 00:22:23,407 --> 00:22:28,197 and come back on Christmas Eve so they could all attend Midnight Mass together. 298 00:22:29,087 --> 00:22:31,282 He never even got to the airport. 299 00:22:33,087 --> 00:22:35,965 Car collided with a petrol tanker 300 00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:40,084 and he was burnt alive at the steering wheel. 301 00:22:42,887 --> 00:22:45,720 Words of comfort come hard, Mrs Meldrew. 302 00:22:47,287 --> 00:22:50,359 There isn't much you can say, is there? 303 00:22:50,527 --> 00:22:56,079 It's pitiful to see a woman with her appetite for living so absolutely...crushed. 304 00:22:57,087 --> 00:23:01,638 And yet from somewhere she finds the strength to carry on with her life, 305 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,998 which can't be easy, 306 00:23:05,767 --> 00:23:08,725 working in that video shop all day long. 307 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:13,085 Dishing out death and destruction to amuse the masses. 308 00:23:13,247 --> 00:23:17,286 Perhaps you know her. It's quite near here. Corner of Hogarth Avenue. 309 00:23:17,447 --> 00:23:19,836 Young girl with long blonde hair. 310 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:24,603 No, but I very rarely go in those shops. Hello... Sounds as if they're back. 311 00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:26,086 Yes! 312 00:23:26,247 --> 00:23:30,843 - You can get back to your computer now. - I am so sorry to be a bit morbid. 313 00:23:31,007 --> 00:23:34,682 - Goodbye, Mr Meldrew. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 314 00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:36,838 It's lovely to have met you. 315 00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:41,603 I don't usually go around spreading doom and gloom in other people's houses! 316 00:23:41,767 --> 00:23:44,884 - Bye! - Bye! And a very merry Christmas! 317 00:23:45,047 --> 00:23:46,366 God. 318 00:23:47,887 --> 00:23:52,165 Don't. Whatever you do...just don't! 319 00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:55,717 - All right, then, I won't. - I don't know why I did. 320 00:23:55,887 --> 00:24:00,677 - I said I wouldn't do it. I swore I wouldn't do it! - Well, why did you do it, then? 321 00:24:00,847 --> 00:24:04,760 Nothing short of a complete and total public humiliation 322 00:24:04,927 --> 00:24:08,522 in front of 500 cackling crows. 323 00:24:09,887 --> 00:24:14,483 Nativity play? It was more like the Gospel according to the Marx Brothers! 324 00:24:14,647 --> 00:24:17,480 Can I get any of that before you guzzle it all? 325 00:24:17,647 --> 00:24:22,357 I swallow all my pride, every last ounce of dignity, to dress as the back half of a cow 326 00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:26,918 and what do I find? The costume department's lost the front half! 327 00:24:28,687 --> 00:24:31,804 But not to worry. Mrs Prowse to the rescue 328 00:24:31,967 --> 00:24:36,165 with the front half of a giant rabbit left over from Easter! 329 00:24:36,327 --> 00:24:39,080 With any luck, no one will notice the difference! 330 00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:43,035 That's not a bad drop of plonk for Great-Aunt Joyce. 331 00:24:44,207 --> 00:24:49,076 Ended up lumbering around the crib like the result of some horrible vivisection experiment! 332 00:24:50,287 --> 00:24:55,919 I'm still peckish. Do you want to heat up the rest of that bubble and squeak before we go to bed? 333 00:24:56,087 --> 00:24:58,476 And that was a moving moment, wasn't it? 334 00:24:58,647 --> 00:25:03,357 When the angel of the Lord came down and said, ''Bugger me! What the hell's happening?'' 335 00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:09,206 I've never seen such a cheapskate production! 336 00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:13,599 The three wise men were all cardboard cut-outs! I suppose you noticed that? 337 00:25:13,767 --> 00:25:19,046 Half the audience thought the stable was being invaded by the pirates from ''Captain Pugwash''! 338 00:25:19,207 --> 00:25:24,201 And you would have thought at least they could have found a child's doll or something 339 00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:27,359 as the baby Jesus! That was the absolute limit! 340 00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:30,564 A marrow wrapped in swaddling clothes! 341 00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:35,403 Oh, for goodness' sake, shut up going on and on about the bloody thing! 342 00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:39,196 You've made your point, it was a complete disaster. Let it rest. 343 00:25:39,367 --> 00:25:42,165 - (DOORBELL) - Who's that at this time of night? 344 00:25:45,287 --> 00:25:48,882 I'm finished with amateur dramatics for life, I am straight! 345 00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:52,005 - Hello, love! - Merry Christmas! 346 00:25:52,167 --> 00:25:54,635 We heard you come in, so thought we'd get you. 347 00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:58,402 - Oh, come on in. Have some sherry. - Oh, thank you. 348 00:25:59,887 --> 00:26:04,483 Oh! I see what you mean about... all your goblins. 349 00:26:04,647 --> 00:26:05,966 Yes! 350 00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:11,478 How's your father? He's got a lot on his mind this Christmas, hasn't he? 351 00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:15,435 It was nice meeting him, in spite of all the mishaps. 352 00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:17,598 There we are. 353 00:26:18,607 --> 00:26:20,996 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 354 00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:22,486 Cheers. 355 00:26:22,647 --> 00:26:27,038 - That's what we came round for, actually. - What's that? 356 00:26:27,207 --> 00:26:29,846 - My father's Christmas present. - Sorry? 357 00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:34,000 The bottle of wine. Fortnum and Mason delivered it yesterday morning. 358 00:26:34,167 --> 00:26:39,366 I hope you don't mind us asking them to deliver it to you, but we weren't sure when it'd arrive 359 00:26:39,527 --> 00:26:43,440 and we didn't want to risk him spotting it. He'd have tumbled it! 360 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:47,679 - The bottle of wine. - Being a collector. 361 00:26:47,847 --> 00:26:51,442 Well, a fanatic, really, when it comes to his wine. 362 00:26:51,607 --> 00:26:55,202 He's been after this particular one for God knows how long. 363 00:26:55,367 --> 00:27:00,566 A real stroke of luck that we found it. Château Chevigny Meursault, 1924. 364 00:27:00,727 --> 00:27:03,082 Incredibly rare. 365 00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:06,637 He's got his 60th birthday coming up on the 28th, 366 00:27:06,807 --> 00:27:09,799 so it's a big combined present for the two. 367 00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:15,758 It's amazing, really, isn't it, to think of a bottle of wine that's 10 years older than your father? 368 00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:18,885 Amazing to think of a bottle that cost 850 quid! 369 00:27:19,047 --> 00:27:23,040 Oh, shh! You don't have to keep shouting about the price. 370 00:27:25,287 --> 00:27:27,676 Oh, well, I'll just get it for you. 371 00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:40,885 Is that them from next door? It's a bit late to be out. What do they want? 372 00:27:49,887 --> 00:27:51,479 Victor. 373 00:27:51,647 --> 00:27:55,720 That very expensive bottle of wine that was sent to us by Great-Aunt Joyce 374 00:27:55,887 --> 00:27:58,276 wasn't from Great-Aunt Joyce or for us! 375 00:27:58,447 --> 00:28:03,237 - Not from Great-Aunt Joyce? The card... - Yes! The card was from her! 376 00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:08,360 The wine was from a very expensive place in London. 377 00:28:08,527 --> 00:28:10,722 It belongs to Patrick and Pippa. 378 00:28:10,887 --> 00:28:15,915 And the couriers left it in our house for safe...keeping! 379 00:28:22,287 --> 00:28:24,278 It cost L850, 380 00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:27,484 it's been perfectly preserved for over 60 years 381 00:28:28,287 --> 00:28:33,281 and you've just poured the last drops in the bubble and squeak! 382 00:28:44,287 --> 00:28:45,879 Right. 383 00:28:46,047 --> 00:28:47,639 Well... 384 00:28:47,807 --> 00:28:50,196 you better go in and apologise. 385 00:28:51,687 --> 00:28:54,884 And I'll go and rest my neck on a railway line. 386 00:28:57,287 --> 00:29:01,280 - What are you doing? - I'll fill it up and stick the cork back in! 387 00:29:01,447 --> 00:29:05,838 A thing like this, nobody ever drinks it. They put it in a cellar and look at it. 388 00:29:06,007 --> 00:29:11,001 With a bit of luck, nobody will notice the difference. Ahh! Bloody thing! 389 00:29:12,887 --> 00:29:15,276 Get me the funnel out of that drawer. 390 00:29:15,447 --> 00:29:17,836 What are you doing now? 391 00:29:31,687 --> 00:29:35,475 I'm sorry to be so long. We couldn't remember where we'd put it. 392 00:29:35,647 --> 00:29:39,435 - Oh, thanks. Now, guard that with your life! - Don't worry. 393 00:29:39,607 --> 00:29:43,202 We won't keep you any longer. You'll be ready for your bed. 394 00:29:43,367 --> 00:29:45,722 - Thanks for the sherry. - Not at all. 395 00:29:45,887 --> 00:29:50,085 - And merry Christmas! - Yes, merry Christmas to you, too. 396 00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:52,442 - Goodnight! - Goodnight. 397 00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:00,962 If you do believe in God, 398 00:30:01,127 --> 00:30:05,325 I'd say now's the time to start saying your prayers. 399 00:30:33,967 --> 00:30:37,880 Today is the last Sunday that I shall stand before you 400 00:30:38,047 --> 00:30:42,404 as the incumbent priest of the parish of St Luke's. 401 00:30:42,567 --> 00:30:44,956 It's no exaggeration to say 402 00:30:45,127 --> 00:30:48,563 that this is one of the saddest days of my life. 403 00:30:48,727 --> 00:30:52,720 And yet as I look around the faces of you here before me, 404 00:30:52,887 --> 00:30:56,880 I'm only too well aware that there are those amongst you 405 00:30:57,047 --> 00:31:00,835 whose burden of grief is far, far greater than mine. 406 00:31:01,847 --> 00:31:04,441 To all of you I send my fondest thanks 407 00:31:04,607 --> 00:31:09,397 and my sincere assurances that as I make my way to pastures new, 408 00:31:09,567 --> 00:31:12,365 from the world of holy orders 409 00:31:12,527 --> 00:31:16,520 to the world of multinational industrial plastics conglomerates, 410 00:31:16,687 --> 00:31:20,475 I shall continue to hold dear all those timeless virtues 411 00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:24,435 of benevolence, compassion, sensitivity and... 412 00:31:24,607 --> 00:31:28,600 - (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) - Excuse me. 413 00:31:30,287 --> 00:31:31,879 How are you? 414 00:31:33,287 --> 00:31:36,085 I'm in the middle of a sermon at the moment. 415 00:31:36,247 --> 00:31:38,442 Are you at the office? 416 00:31:38,607 --> 00:31:40,996 Yes, I will, as soon as I'm through. 417 00:32:04,247 --> 00:32:06,715 Are you the postman? 418 00:32:07,807 --> 00:32:09,399 Sorry? 419 00:32:11,087 --> 00:32:13,476 - Oh. Thank you. - Adam! 420 00:32:19,887 --> 00:32:21,206 Ahh. 421 00:32:21,367 --> 00:32:24,643 Mrs Burridge, I just wanted to... The other day, I... 422 00:32:24,807 --> 00:32:28,800 The things that I said at the time, I was just er... 423 00:33:04,567 --> 00:33:07,035 It's still wobbling about out there. 424 00:33:08,287 --> 00:33:12,075 - What is? - That tree outside Mrs Aylesbury's, opposite. 425 00:33:12,247 --> 00:33:14,636 It got very badly weakened in the storm. 426 00:33:14,807 --> 00:33:19,597 The kids have been playing lumberjacks to get it to go through her upstairs window. 427 00:33:20,447 --> 00:33:24,440 They've phoned the Parks Department five times, 428 00:33:24,607 --> 00:33:27,041 but it seems the phones are all still off. 429 00:33:27,207 --> 00:33:29,801 I've never known a Christmas like it. 430 00:33:29,967 --> 00:33:32,481 Yes, it hasn't been the happiest on record. 431 00:33:32,647 --> 00:33:34,444 For anyone. 432 00:33:35,287 --> 00:33:37,881 I suppose if it teaches us something, 433 00:33:38,047 --> 00:33:42,643 it teaches us to be thankful and not to go about and mo... 434 00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:46,036 What am I doing with this? 435 00:33:46,207 --> 00:33:48,596 I went downstairs for a book! 436 00:33:50,087 --> 00:33:52,476 I've just about had enough of you, matey. 437 00:34:00,487 --> 00:34:04,400 Victor! You are not to put his head down the toilet again! 438 00:34:04,567 --> 00:34:06,956 (FLUSHING) 439 00:34:31,567 --> 00:34:35,958 Oh! I forgot to tell you. I met the Reverend Croker again today, Pippa's father. 440 00:34:36,127 --> 00:34:41,326 He says they're laying on some special dinner for the homeless down the community centre, 441 00:34:41,487 --> 00:34:44,081 give them a decent meal for once in the year. 442 00:34:44,767 --> 00:34:48,077 Er...I said I'd go along and give them a hand. 443 00:34:48,247 --> 00:34:51,444 - Help with the washing-up or something. - Mm. 444 00:34:54,087 --> 00:34:56,885 You'll miss your Christmas dinner! 445 00:34:57,047 --> 00:35:02,041 Well, we can have it at teatime. It's not that big a deal. It's only a few hours. 446 00:35:02,207 --> 00:35:06,166 Do something worthwhile this year, for once in my life. 447 00:35:06,887 --> 00:35:11,358 Oh. So I'm to spend Christmas morning alone now, am I? 448 00:35:11,527 --> 00:35:14,485 For goodness'... Look, what if I was the Pope? 449 00:35:14,647 --> 00:35:17,241 You wouldn't see me at all then, would you? 450 00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:20,319 I mean, what happened to goodwill to all men? 451 00:35:27,447 --> 00:35:31,838 And that's from Mr and Mrs Burkett. Send all their love and best wishes. 452 00:35:32,007 --> 00:35:34,601 What have they been spending their money on? 453 00:35:36,847 --> 00:35:39,839 It's a shame he wouldn't have a tree in the house. 454 00:35:40,007 --> 00:35:42,396 Not the same without a tree, is it? 455 00:35:42,567 --> 00:35:46,162 Always have a tree, even if it's only a little one. 456 00:35:47,287 --> 00:35:48,879 Yes (!) 457 00:35:51,287 --> 00:35:53,278 Oh, dear. 458 00:35:56,887 --> 00:35:59,276 I did tell them you wanted one, 459 00:35:59,447 --> 00:36:02,439 but that was before the... 460 00:36:04,687 --> 00:36:08,362 Well, I'd better be running along, I suppose. 461 00:36:08,527 --> 00:36:10,722 I've got a few more calls to make. 462 00:36:10,887 --> 00:36:15,517 So you won't be having your dinner till this evening, then? 463 00:36:15,687 --> 00:36:17,006 No. 464 00:36:17,167 --> 00:36:19,601 Still, gives you more time. 465 00:36:19,767 --> 00:36:25,285 I must say I thought that was a very generous gesture, not like Victor at all. 466 00:36:25,447 --> 00:36:28,359 Well, not like any husband, really. 467 00:36:28,527 --> 00:36:33,123 Giving up his Christmas Day to go down that draughty old community centre. 468 00:36:34,087 --> 00:36:36,396 Pity a few more can't be bothered. 469 00:36:37,407 --> 00:36:38,726 Right. 470 00:36:38,887 --> 00:36:40,878 Oh, gloves. 471 00:36:41,047 --> 00:36:43,845 It's turned really chilly out there now. 472 00:36:44,527 --> 00:36:49,521 Forecast said we might have some snow tonight. Well, bye-bye, Margaret. 473 00:36:49,687 --> 00:36:51,678 See you soon. 474 00:36:51,847 --> 00:36:54,441 Merry Christmas. And thanks for the sherry. 475 00:36:54,607 --> 00:36:56,802 Yes. Bye, Jean. 476 00:36:56,967 --> 00:36:59,162 And thank you. 477 00:37:01,207 --> 00:37:06,361 (RADIO ) 478 00:37:06,527 --> 00:37:13,842 479 00:37:23,487 --> 00:37:27,685 There we are. The last of the sprouts, Victor, if anyone wants more. 480 00:37:27,847 --> 00:37:29,246 Right. 481 00:37:42,887 --> 00:37:44,878 Very good. 482 00:37:46,887 --> 00:37:48,684 Waiter? 483 00:37:50,887 --> 00:37:53,276 Is everything OK for you? 484 00:37:53,447 --> 00:37:55,881 Can you tell me the time at all? 485 00:37:56,047 --> 00:37:59,278 Erm, no, I can't. I didn't put my watch on. 486 00:37:59,447 --> 00:38:03,440 2.51 and two seconds...precisely. 487 00:38:03,607 --> 00:38:05,404 Is it? 488 00:38:05,567 --> 00:38:07,364 Is it? Good. 489 00:38:07,527 --> 00:38:09,518 2-5-1-2. 490 00:38:09,687 --> 00:38:14,966 2-5-1-2 in the year of our Lord 1-9-9-0. 491 00:38:15,967 --> 00:38:18,800 Yes. Something to think about there. 492 00:38:18,967 --> 00:38:22,357 We've lost the ability to tell time for ourselves, you see. 493 00:38:22,527 --> 00:38:25,121 It's all done with clocks these days. 494 00:38:25,287 --> 00:38:29,280 Takes away all the skill, squinting at quartz analogue watches. 495 00:38:29,447 --> 00:38:33,042 Measuring the sun's passage across the firmament. 496 00:38:33,207 --> 00:38:37,200 Not many people left can actually tell time any more. 497 00:38:37,367 --> 00:38:39,358 Not many of us left. 498 00:38:40,887 --> 00:38:42,923 2.51 499 00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:45,078 and 39 seconds. 500 00:38:50,287 --> 00:38:54,280 - So if you want any more gravy... - I don't mind waiting, Mr Meldrew. 501 00:38:54,447 --> 00:38:57,405 I don't mind waiting one little bit. 502 00:39:01,687 --> 00:39:04,076 Good. That's the ticket, then. 503 00:39:39,887 --> 00:39:44,199 Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Rutland. You've been tremendous. Merry Christmas. 504 00:39:44,367 --> 00:39:46,358 Bye to you. 505 00:39:48,527 --> 00:39:51,280 Victor, I think we've cracked it. 506 00:39:51,447 --> 00:39:54,644 - Everyone gone out there? - Er... 507 00:39:54,807 --> 00:39:57,196 Yes, they've all gone except one. 508 00:39:58,207 --> 00:40:00,596 A gentleman called Mr Starkey. 509 00:40:00,767 --> 00:40:02,359 He er... 510 00:40:03,367 --> 00:40:09,602 He doesn't seem too keen on going just yet. He said he...doesn't mind waiting. 511 00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:12,565 - Wait for what? - Er... 512 00:40:12,727 --> 00:40:14,718 Well, erm... 513 00:40:14,887 --> 00:40:17,276 Armageddon, apparently, 514 00:40:17,447 --> 00:40:22,077 which he seems to think will be at 20 past eight this evening. And 15 seconds. 515 00:40:22,247 --> 00:40:27,037 I've got to get this place vacated by four o'clock or the council will be down on us. 516 00:40:27,207 --> 00:40:31,598 Tell him to go on down to the Sally Army hall like everyone else. 517 00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:35,362 - Yes. I did try and explain that, but... - Yes? 518 00:40:39,607 --> 00:40:42,599 Well, he's got a machine gun. 519 00:40:44,687 --> 00:40:48,077 - Pardon me? - He's got a machine gun. 520 00:40:48,247 --> 00:40:50,636 I didn't like to ask where he got it from, 521 00:40:50,807 --> 00:40:54,800 but he says it's very useful for getting a seat on the bus. 522 00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:59,358 The other thing he said was that he wants us to get him a set of new clothes 523 00:40:59,527 --> 00:41:01,916 because he says he can't... 524 00:41:02,927 --> 00:41:08,126 He can't possibly meet the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse without a clean shirt. 525 00:41:08,287 --> 00:41:11,199 Tell him to go away and stop being so silly. 526 00:41:11,367 --> 00:41:13,278 Right. 527 00:41:14,687 --> 00:41:19,078 - What about the machine gun? - It's only a toy, isn't it, obviously? 528 00:41:19,247 --> 00:41:23,445 Tell him I've got to lock up and be out of here in ten minutes. 529 00:41:25,487 --> 00:41:26,886 Right. 530 00:41:35,887 --> 00:41:37,320 Ahh. 531 00:41:37,487 --> 00:41:40,081 There's our white Christmas after all, then. 532 00:41:41,247 --> 00:41:43,681 Very seasonal. 533 00:42:01,287 --> 00:42:04,677 I-I'm not sure I'm getting through to him, I'm afraid. 534 00:42:04,847 --> 00:42:09,875 He seems quite pleased with the new set of clothes, but he's not ready to leave just yet. 535 00:42:10,047 --> 00:42:13,437 I say! What the devil does he think he's playing at? 536 00:42:44,287 --> 00:42:48,121 - I wonder if we ought to call the police. - It had crossed my mind. 537 00:42:48,287 --> 00:42:52,838 You go back in there and keep him talking. I'll see if I can get the station. 538 00:42:57,887 --> 00:43:01,482 That's all right, Reverend. You can put that down. 539 00:43:03,087 --> 00:43:05,647 I don't mind waiting. 540 00:44:09,287 --> 00:44:13,280 One of the things I hate most about modern civilisation 541 00:44:14,287 --> 00:44:16,721 is you're driving along in your car, right? 542 00:44:16,887 --> 00:44:19,082 Driving at the wheel of your car... 543 00:44:20,287 --> 00:44:22,676 ..and there's this van in front of you. 544 00:44:22,847 --> 00:44:25,236 And the back's open. 545 00:44:25,407 --> 00:44:29,400 And there's this guy sitting there on a pile of sacks 546 00:44:29,567 --> 00:44:31,762 eating grapes. 547 00:44:32,767 --> 00:44:35,406 And spitting the pips at your windscreen. 548 00:44:37,287 --> 00:44:39,676 I can't stand it when that happens! 549 00:44:39,847 --> 00:44:43,044 It makes my blood...boil! 550 00:44:43,207 --> 00:44:47,200 - Oh, y-yes, I know. - Absolutely. Terrible thing to do to anyone. 551 00:45:02,287 --> 00:45:06,075 - What time is it now, Mr Starkey? - Time now? 552 00:45:07,607 --> 00:45:10,485 6.46 and 39 seconds. 553 00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:26,085 What exactly are we waiting for? 554 00:45:27,487 --> 00:45:29,876 The vials of wrath, Mr Meldrew. 555 00:45:30,807 --> 00:45:34,800 The final conflict against the mother of harlots and abominations. 556 00:45:34,967 --> 00:45:36,286 Ah. 557 00:45:36,447 --> 00:45:37,766 Right. 558 00:45:37,927 --> 00:45:40,316 In an hour and a half from now, 559 00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:44,878 a multitude of frogs shall spring forth from the mouths of false prophets. 560 00:45:46,087 --> 00:45:48,282 Yes. I expect so. 561 00:45:48,447 --> 00:45:51,439 And then...the miracle of deliverance. 562 00:45:52,447 --> 00:45:57,760 By 9.23, the water of life shall proceed forth from the throne of the Lamb. 563 00:45:57,927 --> 00:46:00,999 - And the day of the Lord shall be... - (THUD ) 564 00:46:01,167 --> 00:46:04,762 - What's that? - Someone breaking in. It might be the police! 565 00:46:05,887 --> 00:46:08,276 Don't either of you move a muscle! 566 00:46:13,887 --> 00:46:17,084 - Anyone at home? - Pippa! Don't come in! 567 00:46:17,247 --> 00:46:19,841 Dad! Where the hell have you been? 568 00:46:20,007 --> 00:46:22,396 Get back out! He's got a gun! 569 00:46:22,567 --> 00:46:25,161 Who has? 570 00:46:25,327 --> 00:46:29,923 Close the door behind you. You'll sit and wait with us, won't you? 571 00:46:32,287 --> 00:46:35,199 Have you any idea what time it is? 572 00:46:36,767 --> 00:46:42,319 It's snowing like mad out there. They'll both freeze to death. Look at them. 573 00:46:42,487 --> 00:46:43,806 Er... 574 00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:45,764 Time now... 575 00:46:45,927 --> 00:46:48,805 ..6.48 precisely. 576 00:46:48,967 --> 00:46:51,481 Pippa, don't argue with the gentleman! 577 00:46:51,647 --> 00:46:53,763 He won't hurt you. 578 00:46:54,487 --> 00:46:57,797 I've seen him in the park, feeding the squirrels. 579 00:47:02,287 --> 00:47:05,279 Now...come on. 580 00:47:06,287 --> 00:47:09,723 Put that thing down and we can all go home. 581 00:47:13,767 --> 00:47:16,361 Do you want a smack around the head? 582 00:47:19,487 --> 00:47:23,526 - Not really. - Well, give it here, then. 583 00:47:32,327 --> 00:47:34,921 (BALLOONS POP) 584 00:47:57,087 --> 00:47:59,078 (APPLAUSE FROM TV) 585 00:48:01,367 --> 00:48:03,562 (VOLUME DOWN) 586 00:48:03,727 --> 00:48:06,321 How are you feeling? Still edgy? 587 00:48:06,487 --> 00:48:10,605 Would you like me to mash you up a Valium in a mince pie? 588 00:48:14,287 --> 00:48:17,279 20 past eight's been and gone. 589 00:48:17,447 --> 00:48:20,917 What happened to the mother of harlots and abominations? 590 00:48:21,087 --> 00:48:25,126 Have we missed Cilla Black or is it on tomorrow? 591 00:48:26,687 --> 00:48:29,076 I wonder where he did get that gun. 592 00:48:29,247 --> 00:48:31,636 Said he got it for Christmas. 593 00:48:32,687 --> 00:48:34,678 Poor sod. 594 00:48:34,847 --> 00:48:36,644 Christmas (!) 595 00:48:37,647 --> 00:48:42,721 Well, he had his faith. Makes you wonder what to believe in, who's listening. 596 00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:46,885 What are you waffling on about? 597 00:48:47,047 --> 00:48:50,437 That little boy whose father was blown up in the car crash. 598 00:48:50,607 --> 00:48:53,405 How do you make children like that understand? 599 00:48:54,407 --> 00:48:57,922 Some people pray to God, some write to Father Christmas. 600 00:48:58,087 --> 00:49:01,318 Comes to the same thing in the end, all the good it does. 601 00:49:01,487 --> 00:49:04,206 I see why people like Croker want to pack it in. 602 00:49:04,367 --> 00:49:08,883 It's stopped snowing out there. They said it wouldn't come to much. 603 00:49:10,047 --> 00:49:12,038 Mm? 604 00:49:12,207 --> 00:49:13,606 Erm... 605 00:49:14,887 --> 00:49:19,085 I-I know we said, you know, we agreed about erm... 606 00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:24,037 not giving each other anything for Christmas, so don't start moaning, right? 607 00:49:25,287 --> 00:49:26,879 But... 608 00:49:27,887 --> 00:49:30,355 Happy Christmas, anyway. 609 00:49:30,527 --> 00:49:32,119 Ohh! 610 00:49:43,087 --> 00:49:46,284 Ohhh, thank you! 611 00:49:47,287 --> 00:49:49,676 I don't know... I mean, I... 612 00:49:49,847 --> 00:49:51,439 Awww. 613 00:49:53,487 --> 00:49:56,604 What did you buy me a new watch for? 614 00:49:56,767 --> 00:50:00,396 You can throw that other thing away and stop trying to guess the time. 615 00:50:01,807 --> 00:50:04,446 Well, I suppose I might as well confess. 616 00:50:04,607 --> 00:50:08,805 - What's that? - I've done the same thing. 617 00:50:19,287 --> 00:50:21,676 I bought myself a new watch as well. 618 00:50:30,487 --> 00:50:33,797 I'm sorry, but we did... I mean, didn't we? 619 00:50:35,687 --> 00:50:37,279 Yes. 620 00:50:37,447 --> 00:50:39,438 Yes, we did. 621 00:50:41,287 --> 00:50:43,084 Right. 622 00:50:43,247 --> 00:50:47,604 Erm...I think I'll turn in now. I don't know about you. 623 00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,086 Yes. 624 00:50:59,247 --> 00:51:01,636 Nothing to stay up for now. 625 00:52:00,167 --> 00:52:02,556 Yeah, happy Christmas! Bye! 626 00:52:02,727 --> 00:52:05,321 See you soon! Bye! 627 00:53:02,607 --> 00:53:04,598 Oh, God! 628 00:53:14,287 --> 00:53:19,236 There we are, Ted. Two more to come from upstairs and that's it. Can you manage, Victor? 629 00:53:19,407 --> 00:53:23,241 - Yes, thanks. - Oh, God! 630 00:53:24,767 --> 00:53:30,205 We've had some Christmases, but this must rank as the most depressing ever. 631 00:53:30,367 --> 00:53:33,484 Yes, it hasn't been very lucky for you, has it? 632 00:53:33,647 --> 00:53:37,435 But for others, of course, it's been a different story. 633 00:53:37,607 --> 00:53:41,839 You heard about that woman's husband? The one in your local video store. 634 00:53:42,007 --> 00:53:46,603 Mmm. Oh, yes. Yes, that was terrible. Compared to a tragedy like that... 635 00:53:46,767 --> 00:53:49,156 No, no, no. Since then. 636 00:53:49,327 --> 00:53:51,841 Oh, you haven't heard. 637 00:53:52,007 --> 00:53:56,080 - Heard what? - Well, he came back, the night before last. 638 00:53:56,247 --> 00:54:01,446 - What are you talking about? - Apparently, when he left the other week, 639 00:54:01,607 --> 00:54:05,998 he took an early flight out, to Germany or wherever. 640 00:54:07,087 --> 00:54:11,285 Parked at the airport and someone stole his car, 641 00:54:11,447 --> 00:54:16,441 went out joyriding in it, hit a petrol tanker and the whole lot went up. 642 00:54:17,447 --> 00:54:20,041 Naturally, they thought it was his body. 643 00:54:21,047 --> 00:54:26,246 And, of course, with the phones being down all week, he couldn't phone home or anything. 644 00:54:26,407 --> 00:54:28,602 Can you imagine? 645 00:54:29,607 --> 00:54:31,996 After all that poor girl's been through, 646 00:54:32,167 --> 00:54:36,206 suddenly just turning up on the doorstep again like that. 647 00:54:37,887 --> 00:54:40,276 Oh, New Berry Fruits. 648 00:54:47,287 --> 00:54:49,676 Mr Meldrew! 649 00:54:49,847 --> 00:54:53,920 - Have a nice Christmas? - Ah, well, not sorry it's over, I suppose. 650 00:54:54,087 --> 00:54:58,797 - How about you? - Quite fun, wasn't it, love? Quite fun. 651 00:54:58,967 --> 00:55:03,165 - On Christmas Day, especially. - Yes, how is your father? All right? 652 00:55:03,327 --> 00:55:08,117 - I expect he's glad to be shot of it all. - Oh, he's fine. 653 00:55:08,287 --> 00:55:13,281 - Seen worse than that over the years. - Once he'd had his turkey, he was fine. 654 00:55:13,447 --> 00:55:16,166 We were fine. Everything was fine. 655 00:55:17,487 --> 00:55:22,481 Until the moment came for us to present him with his bottle of Château Chevigny Meursault. 656 00:55:24,287 --> 00:55:27,085 If you can cast your mind back, Mr Meldrew, 657 00:55:27,247 --> 00:55:32,640 this was the bottle of extremely rare vintage plonk which we paid L850 for. 658 00:55:33,447 --> 00:55:37,645 850 smackeroos of hard-earned cash. 659 00:55:38,687 --> 00:55:40,678 Do you remember? 660 00:55:40,847 --> 00:55:43,441 Imagine, then, our not unnatural surprise, when, 661 00:55:43,607 --> 00:55:48,397 just as we were delicately sliding the 1924 classic from its box, 662 00:55:48,567 --> 00:55:54,563 the cork suddenly took it upon itself to fly, unsolicited, up my father-in-law's nose. 663 00:55:57,007 --> 00:56:00,795 And something closely resembling carbonated cat's urine 664 00:56:00,967 --> 00:56:03,959 started dribbling down the sides of the bottle. 665 00:56:06,887 --> 00:56:09,276 Well, that... Erm... 666 00:56:10,487 --> 00:56:12,603 You see, what happened... 667 00:56:12,767 --> 00:56:18,125 Still, we can't stand around here chatting all day. Wave goodbye to your garden gnomes. 668 00:56:18,287 --> 00:56:21,643 Actually, there's still a couple to come from upstairs. 669 00:56:21,807 --> 00:56:26,119 No, I was telling you. You'd better wave goodbye to your garden gnomes. Darling? 670 00:56:42,287 --> 00:56:45,085 Right. I think we can hand it in now. 671 00:56:45,247 --> 00:56:47,636 Happy New Year, Mr Meldrew. 672 00:56:53,207 --> 00:56:55,596 That was from Great-Aunt Joyce. 673 00:56:55,767 --> 00:56:59,237 I told her it had cleared up, but her hearing's not too good. 674 00:56:59,407 --> 00:57:03,036 Has he taken them? What was all that racket a little while ago? 675 00:57:03,207 --> 00:57:08,201 Erm, nothing very much. The er...truck backfired a bit, that's all. 676 00:57:08,367 --> 00:57:13,282 I heard smashing noises. I thought that tree had finally gone over into Mrs Aylesbury's. 677 00:57:13,447 --> 00:57:16,723 It was looking very wonky when I went out. Cup of tea? 678 00:57:16,887 --> 00:57:21,563 Eh... Well, as we're probably out of strychnine, it'll have to be PG Tips. 679 00:57:25,887 --> 00:57:28,082 (CREAK) 680 00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:31,682 (CRASH) 681 00:57:59,127 --> 00:58:04,121 Looks like you've got a tree in the house after all, then, Mr Meldrew. 682 00:58:08,967 --> 00:58:12,596 683 00:58:12,767 --> 00:58:15,679 684 00:58:15,847 --> 00:58:19,078 685 00:58:19,247 --> 00:58:22,683 686 00:58:22,847 --> 00:58:26,522 687 00:58:26,687 --> 00:58:29,997 688 00:58:30,167 --> 00:58:32,761 689 00:58:32,927 --> 00:58:37,364 690 00:58:37,527 --> 00:58:40,599 691 00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:44,521 692 00:58:44,687 --> 00:58:47,565 and I can still misbehave 693 00:58:47,727 --> 00:58:50,525 694 00:58:51,527 --> 00:58:54,121 695 00:58:55,127 --> 00:58:57,925